My experience with gender disappointment

It’s my most frequently asked question as a mom of four boys both online and off, so let’s get into it.

I acknowledge that for those navigating infertility or loss, conversations about gender disappointment can carry extra weight, and I hold that reality with care as I share my experience here.

The question started coming up more frequently during my second pregnancy with our son Peter. I’d given birth to our first son Teddy thirteen months prior to sharing the news on Instagram, and while many moms chimed in about their experience with (or interest in) having two under two, I was more struck by the number of moms popping into my DMs with some variation of “I’m sorry if this is too personal, but…” and asking whether I was, deep down, a little disappointed to be expecting another baby boy.

The irony is I’d actually experienced more gender disappointment during my first pregnancy, and I was euphoric to be pregnant with his baby brother (especially because I’d had hyperemesis in my first pregnancy and didn’t in my second). I grew up as the oldest of four — two girls, two boys — and I’d subconsciously assumed that because I always wanted four children, our four children would naturally be the same genders in the same order as my siblings and me. As naive as it may sound, it took me several days to shake off the shock of being told our first baby was a boy. I had a list of girl names that could run from Connecticut to New York City, and the fact that we were having a boy was like the universe laughing at my long-laid plans.

From the instant Teddy was born, I didn’t give another moment’s thought to wishing he was anyone but himself, and in fact I crossed my fingers and toes that in time we would be able to give him a baby brother. Because again, I had a lifelong plan that involved two siblings of the same sex back-to-back, and if we’d started with boys instead of girls, so be it! I think because Will and I knew we didn’t plan to stop at two children, I spent little time that second pregnancy sharing in the fear that we’d never “get our girl,” so to speak.

In many ways I expected myself to be more disappointed when we found out we were expecting a third baby boy, but for some reason I remember feeling a sheer thrill on the phone when the nurse told us Tucker too would be a boy. I mean, how many families have three boys?! It felt special and cool and also reassuringly familiar for our third pregnancy in as many years. I remember noticing that more people would give us a sad look when we told them we were having a third boy, and it felt strange to bear their disappointment when I felt so little of my own. Plus we still planned on one more pregnancy, so surely we’d get our baby girl in the end, wouldn’t we?